#i started drawing this in class btw it was a pain in the ass cuz

[sof182]

right

[tired-buh-cute]

Update

I can’t believe it’s October again. 

Last year around this time things were so different. 

And I guess that’s a good thing. 

Life, ever-changing and always evolving

I can only imagine how different things will be next October

Like...will I be in the same major? Where will I live? What will I look like?

Will I still have both my feet perfectly working?

Ya never know!

Speaking of majors...

One of my epiphanies today was about switching my majors cuz honestly fuck people. I don’t know if I’ve already written about how or why I finally decided on the major that I’m in right now, but basically... it went something like two years ago I was really depressed and I needed to find meaning in life. Personally, supporting someone on a difficult journey and helping rise to a place of comfortability is something I imagine to be the greatest reward. It sounds selfless and I liked it. I enjoy analyzing human behavior and fancy therapeutic ways to help people. Along the way I planned to also learn about whatever it is my issue is....wether its poor coping mechanisms or maturity or entitlement...still trying to figure it out along the way under this major. Because this major allows me to learn about the body and its functions (fuck anatomy class btw) and this major is suppose to teach me ways to reach out to communities and solve health related risks. It’s all within the realm of my interests I suppose, but passion..... what is my passion? 

Art. I believe it’s art. Art can be defined in sooooo many ways differentiating from person to person. I define art as any form of place, thing that evokes that feeling of melancholy, anxiety, pain, happiness, confusion etc. Art makes you feel. Some forms of art, like music, can turn a frown upside down. Music can start the party and keep the party going. 

Side note: Today I felt really shitty...insecure and ugly. I listened to some upbeat music because it thought it would distract me from the mood I’d been soaking in, but it didn’t help. Not until later in the day, when I chose the right song that fit my mood; only then did my emotions light up and so did my imagination. Music set the tone of my mind. The song and the temperature outside and inside my car, the sun coming down, my outfit, the mess in my car, the traffic....it all felt right. And it made my mood change...then again I was on Addy. I teared up a little which helped release some of the anxiety I was feeling. But overall what really amazed me is that the one song that felt right to hear, changed my thoughts and encouraged positive thinking. I began reminiscing a few good and bad life choices that has led me to where I am and reminded me of how I should be proud of myself. Crazy right.

Anyway, later on as I parked in my school’s parking lot, I was angry at my bf for acting so hostile and insensitive to me on the phone. He basically threatened me that if I didn’t pass school he would end things with me. First of all, I was already in my feels from the day before worrying about his ass and feeling ugly. ( Did a lot of comparing myself to other girls...fml...Marcus if you’re reading this, please stop looking at other girls it’s killing me...idk how other guys do it but i want to be in a relationship where we respect each other to the fullest) Secondly, what kind of love is it if they just want to delete you if you fail a subject. I mean I understand that you wouldn’t be able to help feel guilty for possible being one of the reasons i could fail; but honestly science subjects are hard and I’ve been having problems focusing for years. The best approach is to DEF not be hostile. Shit! My mom can go ahead and get mad at me, but she would still love me no matter what I become. So FUCK YOU for threatening me. Now, you could possible just acted that way because that’s how you know to react and its your personality...but FUCK! There are so many other great possibilities my life could go if this major wasn’t for me. One door closes, another opens. If he really loves me, he’d be supportive of me no matter what. Relationships are so ugh. but that’s ok, I still love that niqqa. Rude ass.

So back to my major. I parked in my spot and I literally said “fuck people” out loud. Why bother being hurt by the ones you love just to get help other people. I asked myself, “what about me?” What would make me happy. What do I enjoy. I tried to think back to what i like and who I really am inside. I’m this sensitive, emotional, loving person who desires to learn all about life and share the positive realizations. I enjoy poetry and wish I had the time to learn about it. I enjoy playing the piano and wish to play the Uke. I like to draw and paint and do arts and crafts. I like to take photos and film/edit videos. If I really was honest with myself I would have gone the artsy rout, but THAT DOESN’T MAKE MONEY!......that’s what’s stopping me. 

So....I’ll stick to this community health thing until I really have had enough. 

Let the misery commence.  

jk....?